Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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