Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I have post one night stand depression
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