woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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