my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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