the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
