my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
