just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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