I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
