I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
