I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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