CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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