Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
