Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
