when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize