I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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