the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
