Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
