My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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