my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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