Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize