in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
