I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
