i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
