wakey wakey hands off snakey
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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