Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize