my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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