im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize