when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
