Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
BRING THE BAGELS
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
