Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
