The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
