I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
