Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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