Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
