I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
