I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize