sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
