Umm I'm too high to move.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My bed smells like the plague
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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