pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
