I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
