so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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