How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
