...so i touched it.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You dont lie about slip and slides
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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