During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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