i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
