Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
