I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
