I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
