At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
