Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
