Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
