$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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