Sry I called you an 8
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
