i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
