I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
