she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize