Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
