I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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