walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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