there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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