if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
