This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
