So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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