Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
