WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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