he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
