What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
