either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
