It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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