I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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