My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
