I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
