Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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