Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
