I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
